1st Submission (Globalization)

Lucia
Nozomi
Hang
Tamaki

5 Responses to 1st Submission (Globalization)

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  3. tamaki says:

    Hi Hang,

    I enjoyed reading your essay. And here are my suggestion;

    PAPER
    Attention getting device – not good enough
    because the theme is too general to attract people, I prefer to know your personal experience of globalization. For instance, we are now studying abroad and it is absolutely beneficial to learn global culture. At the same time, do we really obtain only benefits without any risk? After that, we can think more why we need to review the two sides of globalization effects.
    Focus – benefits and risks, but is it effect, clarification, or problem-solution?

    EVIDENCE
    Perhaps your citations don’t have published year, like this ~ ~ ~ (Ma, 2008). I believe how the article and author are introduced is also crucial point. We may be expected why this article is cited in this context.

    ANY FUTHER ADVICE
    Some sentences have abstract words and phrases, which means that it might be more difficult to understand what you are going to say without concrete example. Honestly saying, I am also likely to do this. Writing is not easy like human life.

  4. Nozomi says:

    Hi, Tamaki.
    Your topic is very interesting, especially you combine your idea with the some articles from the textbook. And it is attracting idea that you divide the impact of the Globalization on the society at the four levels. But, I think your thesis statement seemingly does not mention the idea clearly. For instance, in the introduction, you write ” I enumerate four outcomes in four areas of the spectrum in order to explain how the reactions are different according to the tolerance for new things.”. This sentence led me expect you to write various cases that people are open to the new culture or goods.
    Moreover, As your idea (social changing at the four level), I think the last paragraph is difficult to understand. I think you are suppose to show the most difficult case to accept the Globalized goods in Germany, but the evidence is not enough to show the idea.
    Finally, although it is my favorite way, I like including the sub-title or supporting idea in each cases. For example, I would write below after the introduction;
    1. the most liberalized case; Samoa and Fiji
    I think it is easier for reader to come to the point.
    However, you includes sufficient evidences to show your thesis statement anyway, and your idea is really interesting 🙂
    Thank you for reading.

  5. Hang Le says:

    Hi Nozomi!
    I enjoyed reading your paper. Your paper is clear to understand so i just write some my suggestion for your paper. Is your focus effect? I think you could add some evidences for every theme, it will more support your main point. Also, I think the ” Exported Education’ paragraph would add more evidence and your opinion like now we can learn other culture and spread education out the wold. In conclusion, it is too short so it should be add some your opinion or repeat some main point.
    Sorry for being late.

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