1st Submission (Technology)

Fatimah

Ewelina

Marco

Janete

Yosuke

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11 Responses to 1st Submission (Technology)

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  3. fatimah says:

    Peer Editing Worksheet
    The Paper
    • What attention getting device is used in the introduction paragraph?
    •Does the introduction paragraph have a strong thesis statement with a clear topic,
    clear focus, and an overview or introduction of the supporting points that is logically
    connected to the focus? Does it give too little or too much information?
    Your introduction needs more connecting information, that can make your thought more interrelated
    Your thesis statement needs to be stronger, give more specification on it.
    Your written introduction is a good start as an introduction, you need to add more on it.
    – What is the focus of the paper?
    Your focus is Effect
    • Do each of the supporting paragraphs have a strong topic sentence that clearly
    introduces one of the supporting points of the paper? Are any topic sentences too
    general or too specific? Do you understand these ideas?
    The first body
    Your first body needs more elaboration, as a reader, I could not understand what do you mean by different opportunities.
    Also, can you use another example that serves your supporting idea . how can I say that calculator improve our standard of living
    You also need more than one evidence at least 2 or 3.
    The Second body
    You did a good job in this part, you wrote strong supportive sentences .
    You also need more than one evidence at least 2 or 3.
    Maybe you need to write about the physical services and emotional services that the robots provide elaborately.
    The third body
    You also need more elaboration
    Maybe you can divide the influence that the humanoids give us, on communication level and the empathy level for example
    You also need more than one evidence at least 2 or 3.

    (The Second body)
    • Is each piece of evidence paraphrased or quoted? Are there more paraphrases than
    quotes? (There should not be more quotes than paraphrases)
    Your evidence looks paraphrased but I think you need both quotes and paraphrase.
    • Is each piece of evidence introduced clearly?
    Yes, it is understandable
    • Is each piece of evidence clearly connected to the topic sentence?
    It’s connected well
    Does each piece of evidence have a citation?
    There is no in-text citation

    (The third body)
    • Is each piece of evidence paraphrased or quoted? Are there more paraphrases than
    quotes? (There should not be more quotes than paraphrases)
    Your evidence looks paraphrased but I think you need both quotes and paraphrase
    • Is each piece of evidence introduced clearly?
    No so much you need to show me how Tamagotchi or Sony’s AIBO dog allows to build connections and attachment, and teach responsibility.
    • Is each piece of evidence clearly connected to the topic sentence?
    It looks connected but need more clarifications
    Does each piece of evidence have a citation?
    There is no in-text citation
    Can you offer any further advice for your classmate?
    Yours looks like an essay, you need more details to reach to paper’s level
    I like your standpoint and how you could convince the readers, but you need to go far and give more and more details to make your standpoint stronger.

    • fatimah says:

      sorry Ewalina I did not mention your name

      the feedback is for your paper

      sorry again

    • Ewelina says:

      Thank you so much Fatimah!!! I really appreciate your tips, and I will consider using them. Like always you are a real treasure 🙂

  4. Janete says:

    The introduction paragraph is good, but maybe it should be a little more concise. For example, saying ” the negative alterations in some aspects in our lives, such as ….”.
    The focus is Effect-Argument.
    The topic sentences are good but I thought that it would be better if you could integrate some of the paragraphs together, to have the topic sentences and the examples in the same one, so the reader can understand better.
    In the paragraphs there enough numbers of paraphrases and quotes and all the evidence have a citation. You did a really good job. All evidence are clearly connected to the topic, but the introduction of some of these evidences are a little confusing because the paragraphs and examples are divided in other paragraphs.
    I liked your conclusion and I think that it makes people think about technology and our relationship with it.

  5. Marco says:

    Hi Janete : )

    I read your paper. It is very nice. I like the way that you have used the paraphrases. Sounds very natural as you could get the author’s ideas and combine with your personal opinion.
    So here go my analyse and evaluation of your paper Technology.

    First of all, I believe you paper has three main focus which are: Effect, Problem and Solution and Argument. However, I think the strongest one is Effect.

    I. The presentation is about the current topic of the using of technology nowadays.

    II. You have a good clear thesis statement which is: People can be for or against technology, but each position carry some bias that should be studied.

    III. I think you have good supporting paragraphs that are well connected with your thesis. I have tried to summarize your paragraphs and I divide them in the following order:

    1. “virtual world” & “real world”
    2. People interaction with robots are increasing over human relationships.
    3. Robots are being used to many areas of life such as education, hobbies and nursing.
    4. Scientists have created robots that can become lover and friends.
    5. Robot companions for the elderly.
    6. Technology has changed the way of communication a lot and people must know how to use the benefits of it without losing the qualities of having a human relationship.

    Good Job,
    Marco : )

  6. Yosuke Aida says:

    Marco, I’ve read your article. My overall impression of your article is very good, I like it.
    Now, let’s me follow the editing worksheet.

    1. Your thesis statement is very clear. I could understand what you want to say. I also understood your focus immediately when I read it. Your focus is listing right? A list of advantages and disadvantages. That was really clear.

    2. You have made clear topic sentences. Also, the 7th paragraph is a transition paragraph right? Topic sentence of the paragraph also shows that it is a transition paragraph. I like that you wrote that transition paragraph, because it makes your article clear.

    3. You should ask to Rick about class’s requirement. It’s because he has maybe mentioned that we had to use some information from our text book, and we had to cite it. Your article it totally fine, but you may have to use our text book’s article. Or you have just forgotten using citation.

    Marco, I especially like your 3rd paragraph because you said “In the newspaper we cannot do that, so this is a big advantage of internet” It is your opinion, showing how you define your idea as a advantage right? Then you use some evident to support your opinion. In this paragraph, I can see more your opinion, so I really like this paragraph. I think that, to write listing essay, including your opinion is not so easy, but you did.

    • Marco says:

      Hi Yosuke : )
      Thanks for your careful response.
      I really appreciate your observations and you are rigth about the evidences.
      I haven’t put them yet, but for the final submission I will include them.
      Aloha,
      Marco

  7. Ewelina says:

    Hey hello Youske 🙂
    It’s a bit more difficult for me to review your paper, because I’m not very familiar with your topic. It seems to me that you have used only your own articles, and I didn’t have a chance to read them.

    Anyway, first things first…I am not sure what’s your focus…definition, argument, comparison, combination of them??? Maybe you should specify it a bit more, so it’s easier for the read to know. I’m also not sure if the paragraph which starts with: “What is the line between human and robots?” is connected with your research question. What I understand you writing about advantages and disadvantages of bionic limbs (parts), not where is the line between human and robot. One more suggestion, when you give an example of Rob Spence you should explain it in much more details. Last thing, maybe you should consider making smoother transitions between paragraphs and more precise division between positive and negative aspects of bionic limbs.

    I believe in you and I think you are really good in paraphrasing, so even though I cannot see where you did that, it’s still very well done.

    Keep working (but not too hard 😉 )!!! I think that, if you make it more clear, it’s going to be a really good paper, focused on interesting subject 🙂

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