March 27th

Hi Gang! 

Here’s our homework for this evening:

Please post the problem and revised thesis statement for the three bad thesis statements that you were working on at the end of class today: 

Lucia, Marco, & Tamaki = 1 & 2 on page 56; 1 on page 57

Ewelina, Janete, & Fatimah = 3 and 4 on page 56; 2 on page 57

Nozomi, Hang, & Yosuke = 5 on page 56; 3 and 4 on pages 57 and 58

I have done # 5 on page 58 as an example (see below) 

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9 Responses to March 27th

  1. help2013rick says:

    Space travel for ordinary people is exciting and will probably happen soon.

    Problems: inappropriate language ( “exciting” ), lack of focus, no overview of supporting points

    Revision: In order to make space tourism a reality, entrepreneurs and businessmen are working to overcome several unique challenges.
    (It’s not perfect, but it’s much better) (Focus = problem and solution) (unique challenges is an attention getter, etc.) (get it?)

    – Rick

  2. Janete says:

    3 – Several cultural factors lead to the prevalence of child labor in Latin America : family values, the company managers back in the United States, inflation, poor transportation systems, a lack of emphasis on education, and the Catholic church.

    Problems: Confusing supporting points and too much information.
    Revision: The pervasive use of children in Latin America work force is rooted in local customs like the neglect of education and different moral ethics.

    4 – This paper is about cloning.

    Problems: Lack of supporting points, lack of focus
    Revision: Although the cloning of animals is becoming a common practice in many laboratories, there are still too many ethical and moral issues about human cloning.

    2 – Public transportation has some advantages and disadvantages.

    Problems: Lack of supporting points
    Revision: Some of the advantages of public transit outweigh the drawbacks, like the price, and the convenience of modern systems.

  3. Marco says:

    1. I believe assited suicide causes two main problems: difficulty in regulating it and difficulty for patients in making a rational choice.

    Problem: Confusing supporting points and inappropriate language
    Revised thesis: There are two main problems with assisted suicide: one, how to regulate when it is possible or not and second, how to know when the patient has the right to decide about his life.

    2. The Internet leads to improved communication.

    Problem: Lack of supporting points
    Revised thesis: The use of Internet can improve communication with friends, family and coworkers.

    3. I think genetically modified food is terrible

    Problem: Inappropriate language, lack of focus and lack of supporting points
    Revised thesis: Genetically modified food is not good for health because it results in poor nutrition, weight gain and inability to concentrate.

  4. Hang Le says:

    5. Homeschooling results in closer family ties, flexible time schedules for parent and child, and a desire for more educational choices.
    Problems: inappropriate language, too much information.
    Revised thesis:
    1) Homeschooling is the best ways of having closed family ties, flexible time schedules for parents and children, and a desire for more educational choices.
    2) Homeschooling is best choice of having closed family ties, flexible time schedules and more educational choices.

    3) The topic of this paper is women’s rights.

    Problems: inappropriate language, lack of focus, lack of supporting points.

    Revision: Women’s rights is different in several ways in China and American.

    4) Confusion and trouble will probably come from the recent changes in laws about medical privacy in the United States.
    Problems: inappropriate language, confusing supporting points, lack of information.

    Revision: In the United States, the recent changes in laws about medical privacy lead people to confuse and have trouble in understanding.

  5. Nozomi says:

    p.56-Q5
    problem : the sentence includes information too much.
    Revision : Homeschooling results in closer family ties, flexible schedule for family and more educational choice

    P.57-Q3
    Problem: too general. It needs supporting sentences.
    Revision: Women’s rights are not fully admitted in several areas such as family, employment and marriage.

    Q4
    Problem: Inappropriate sentence
    Revision: changed Law of medical privacy will cause several confusions and problems in the United States.

  6. Yosuke Aida says:

    Page56.
    No5.
    Problem. I personally think that writing about home schooling without mentioning about regular schooling is impossible. The thesis says “more educational choices”. More than what? It should be more than regular schooling. In short, it has to mention the competition.
    Revision. Homeschooling shows clearly better result than traditional schooling in closer family ties and a desire for more educational choices.
    page 57.
    No3.
    Problem:It says the main idea; however supporting ideas are not stated. Also, it is very boring, too simple.
    Revision:On the surface, men and women are equalized; however women are still discriminated in multiple ways.
    No4.
    Problem:It is going to be cause and effect, it is clear, yet it is difficult to understand what supporting ideas are.
    Revision: The recent changes in law about medical privacy in the USA will be causes of several problems.

  7. Ewelina says:

    3. Several cultural factors lead to the prevalence of child labor in Latin America: family values, the company managers back in the United States, inflation, poor transportation systems, a lack of emphasis on education, and the Catholic church.
    PROBLEM: Confusing supporting points.
    REVISED THESIS: Several cultural factors lead to the prevalence of child labor in Latin America: family values, inflation and a lack of emphasis on education.

    4. This paper is about cloning.
    PROBLEM: Lack of supporting points/Lack of focus.
    REVISED THESIS: Animal cloning should continue, because it can help to preserve rare genetics in livestock.

    2. Public transportation has some advantages and disadvantages.
    PROBLEM: Lack of supporting points.
    REVISED THESIS: Although there are a few advantages, like price and environment protection, public transportation has many more disadvantages.

  8. luciakye says:

    p56
    1. I believe assited suicide causes two main problems: difficulty in regulating it and difficulty for patients in making a rational choice.

    Problem: Confusing supporting points

    Revised thesis:
    Assisted suicide causes making a rational choice by patient and
    is also difficult to regulate.

    2. The Internet leads to improved communication.

    Problem: Lack of supporting points

    Revised:
    The internet leads to improved communications via shortening the distance and adding the speed between communicators with support of recent technical developments.

    p.57
    1. I think genetically modified food is terrible

    problem: lack of point, too general

    Revised:
    Genetically modified food causes immune disorder of human body.

  9. help2013rick says:

    Good Job, Everyone! These are great efforts!
    I feel that everyone understands the qualities that make a strong thesis statement!

    – Rick

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